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High Octane Sniffer
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2,460 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Put all your funnies in here clean up the fourm a bit k!!

Stole this from annother fourm thought it was well funny!!


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Edited on 24-7-2006 by rossgamble1987]
 

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High Octane Sniffer
Joined
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2,460 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says:

I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F*** UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
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"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
 

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Registered
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78 Posts
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' so that
the meaning in a sentence can be explained.

>
Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
>
> "Can anyone else try?"
>
> Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"
>
> Little Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious!!!!"
 

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High Octane Sniffer
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2,460 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
 

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High Octane Sniffer
Joined
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2,460 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts cereal, 1/2 box of Allbran cereal
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that
cure me, Doc?" "

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your A.SS is for."

[Edited on 7-5-2006 by rossgamble1987]

[Edited on 7-5-2006 by rossgamble1987]
 

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Simon Michael
Joined
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440 Posts
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00

But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right
 

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Simon Michael
Joined
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440 Posts
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Dont talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you dont stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you dont pass your spelling test, youll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; dont you think I know when youre cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, dont come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you dont eat your vegetables, youll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"Youre just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day youll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then youll see what its like"
 

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Simon Michael
Joined
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440 Posts
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

Its too late - 15 times

Im too tired - 42 times

Its too early - 12 times

Its too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

Love, Your Wife
 

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Simon Michael
Joined
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440 Posts
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.
 

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Simon Michael
Joined
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440 Posts
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you
were this religious.

The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
A GOAT GOES INTO A JOBCENTRE AND ASKS IN PERFECT ENGLISH FOR SOME WORK.THE AMAZED CLERK HAS A LOOK THROUGH HIS FILES AND SAYS HE SHOULD TRY THE CIRCUS. THE CIRCUS SAYS THE GOAT WHAT WOULD THEY WANT WITH A BRICKLAYER
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
A BUS LOAD OF NUNS CRASH AND ARE KILLED AND GO TO HEAVEN. ST PETER ASKS 1ST NUN HAD SHE EVER HAD CONTACT WITH A MALE ORGAN? I TOUCHED ONE WITH THAT FINGER. GO SOAK IT IN HOLY WATER PETE SAYS. NUN 2 SAYS I TOUCHED ONE WITH THAT HAND. GO SOAK IT IN HOLY WATER PETE SAYS. WITH THAT A NUN BURSTS TRU THE CROWD, WHATS YOUR PROBLEM SAYS PETER? WELL IF I HAVE TO GARGLE THAT WATER I M GOIN BEFORE SISTER ANN STICKS HER AR.E IN IT

[Edited on 02102005 by fidgy]
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
AN IRISHMAN SHAGGIN A JEWISH GIRL,JAYZUS YOUR NOT VERY TIGHT FOR A JEW, YEAH SHE SAYS WELL YOUR NOT VERY THICK FOR A PADDY
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
OLD LADY GOES TO DOCS+ SAYS SHE WANTS VIAGRA FOR HUSBAND. IT COMES IN 3 STRENGTHS 25% SEMI HARD,50% VERY HARD,100% ROCK HARD. 25% WILL DO, I JUST WANT TO STOP HIM P.SSING ON HIS SLIPPERS
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
BILLIONAIRE GETS TINKER GIRL PREGNANT,HE SAYS I LL BE RESPONSIBLE BUT I CAN T MARRY HER,SO IF ITS A BOY HE GETS HIS OWN COMPANY &2 MILLION QUID, IF ITS A GIRL SHE GETS 2 MANSIONS & 2 MILLION & IF ITS A MISCARRAIGE... HER FATHER INTERUPTS YOU LL F.CKIN DO HER AGAIN
 

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Martin Costello
Joined
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6,803 Posts
A NUN GETS ON A BUS THATS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR THE DRIVER. SHE SAYS I M GOING TO DIE SOON BUT I WANT TO HAVE S.X BEFORE I DO BUT I MUST REMAIN A VIRGIN SO IT MUST BE AN.L AND I CANT COMMIT ADULTERY SO HE MUST BE SINGLE, CAN YOU FULLFIL MY WISH? YES SAYS THE DRIVER AND FULFILS HER WISH. THEN FEELING GUILTY HE SAYS I M SORRY I LIED, I M MARRIED WITH 3 KIDS. AH THATS OK SAYS THE NUN, I LIED TOO. MY NAME IS KEVIN AND I M GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY
 
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